global mamas

2011-09-21T03:14:00.000-07:00

Here I am again, suddenly... out of the blue.

Remember me??

Last time I checked in, I was mum of 3.... now I am mum of 4 gorgeous girls.

I have finished traveling the globe (at least for now) and am back in my beloved Australia, where the sky is vast and forever and where the sun shines more days a year than I can count.

I live in a place where kids are safe and can run and play freely.
Where people are friendly and caring.
I live in a place where I can find a steiner community, a vipassana community, a macrobiotic community, organic food and plenty of fresh air.

I live in a place where spring is spring, summer is summer, autumn is autumn and winter is winter.

I am home and I am so very happy to be here....

forgetting how to breathe

2010-09-24T00:46:00.000-07:00

I am writing from experience when I share with you dear reader the difference between a woman who returns to herself on a regular basis and a woman who does not.

The first is a woman I have lost and as I sit here putting these words together the best way I can, I struggle to remember what that first woman looks like or feels like. The second woman however, I can talk about easily as this is who I am in this very moment.

This woman who does not return to herself is the one who is constantly running in one direction or another, internally and externally. She is busy all day long with the many tasks each new day brings, barely having enough time to sit and sip on a cup of tea whilst it still steams from the top.

Her face is fixed, focused if you like, her jaw is tight and her eyes tired. She rarely smiles from her heart anymore.

Her hair, if she has any left, falls out of its clip on a regular basis each time revealing the unattended ends. She whips it back up in a flash never bothering to even glance in the mirror when she is done.

Her clothes no longer represent who she is, rather they are practical and most of the time comfortable. Sometimes she stares in the wardrobe with despair as her eyes desperately search for something she likes. Not one item can she find. “What would I like to have hanging in here she asks herself?”, she doesn’t even know anymore.

Her mind is constantly filled with an uneasiness that she can never explain. All she knows is that life is unsatisfactory and passing fast. She fears she may die feeling this way, unsatisfied with life and all its contents.

Every time she catches a glimpse of something inside that inspires her to turn in a different direction and move towards her becoming, she is chased back the other way again.

She slowly but surely loses the ability to communicate. She nods and smiles an empty smile when she needs to but ever so quickly the focused strain returns to her face and her lips seal tightly together once more.

She even loses the ability to communicate with herself. She tries in vain to hear what her body is trying so desperately to tell her but the sounds are muffled and she can no longer make any sense of what she hears.

Her breath no longer fills her with life, it merely prolongs her death and her heart beats to a rhythm she can no longer dance to, leaving the task of loving the other an impossible one.

She doesn’t know where to turn next so she keeps on running in one direction or another keeping far too busy to reflect on such sad things.

She cries inside. She can’t tell you why … she doesn’t really know.

She moves through her days in a mechanical way, she is becoming a machine, not a woman.

Who is she now, this woman who walks through life like a corpse?
Void of feeling, empty and numb.

She needs to return to herself, somewhere in her heart she knows this all too well but she doesn’t know how anymore.

She is lost in this strange place and fears she will never find her way back.

She needs to breathe, she has forgotten how....
Too long attached to the fake placenta.... she needs to breathe on her own again.

Routine on the run!

2010-09-19T00:59:00.000-07:00

My latest epiphany happened when I was in the midst of desperately trying to create some kind of routine for my very earth bound virgo child, whilst packing my back pack in preparation to move onto the next place.

Is is just me or this a super weird image?

It really got me thinking and recognising just how much time and energy I put into trying to maintain some kind of rhythm and routine so that my little one can move through her days with more ease. I know this is an absolutely normal practice for the majority of mums that work with the idea that kids function better with some kind of routine and rhythm (I am obviously one of these) but to me it just seems a little contrary to our lifestyle somehow.

Here we are roaming around the globe with very few possessions (we have plenty at home in boxes!) trying to immerse ourselves into different cultures, thinking how wonderful this is for our little lotus flower and all the time I am subconsciously maintaining her security by keeping the rhythm that she loves and works best with.

I am talking about the little things like; the stories we read together in bed when we wake up in the morning or brushing our teeth after breakfast or washing our hands before we eat and of course the songs we sing as we lay in bed together at night before we go to sleep.

These simple things, these re-occurring moments mean so much to my little virgo girl.

What would it do to her if I totally let go of these small things that give each new day some similarity to the last and that provide her with the comfort of knowing at times what comes next?

Likewise, what would it be like for her to always be able to sit in her chair at the table and to always eat the same kind of food or to sleep in the same bed.... and always wake up in the same bed?

She has us... her mama and papa and we are always with her when she drifts off to sleep at night and always there when she opens her eyes in the morning.... but is that enough?

My virgo lotus is an amazing 2 year old that can remember all the words to nearly every nursery rhyme I have taught her, that can count to 10 in two languages and say hello in many. She is gentle, loving and toilet trained and as independent as we will allow her to be.

But is she blossoming as fully and totally as a child that has a permanent address?

I am not so sure anymore.

Bringing me to my knees

2010-08-28T01:39:00.000-07:00

Delhi Belly, it is almost like a tax you have to pay when you visit India... Almost everyone gets it at least once!
It hits you like a high speed rocket right in your solar plexus and brings you to your knees... literally!

Running between the bed and the loo is not much fun and getting so weak so quickly is terrifying!
Losing kilos as quick as a child loses interest in some plastic crappy toy brings both joy and horror all at the same time and the deep sensation of missing home (wherever that may be) is at times overwhelming!

Oh to be somewhere clean!! Somewhere familiar and safe and to be surrounded by all my stuff!!!

So, as awful and painful as it is, it seems that getting a dose of Delhi Belly proves to be a great opportunity for some deep introspection.

I start to really reflect on my "gypsy heart" and my need to move around the globe over and over again.
I start to ask myself what it is that I am REALLY looking for and if I think I will ever find it!

Who am I anyway?
Am I some ordinary house frau that is trying desperately to escape the hum drum life?
Or am I a sexy 40 something year old that loves the change that travel brings and the all the learning that comes with it?

Hmmm you know what, at this very moment in time I can't honestly answer that question!

I guess in the end this is the key right?
Hey wait, I think I have just had an epiphany!!!

Ok, so first I need to discover who I really am and then and only then will I be able to find THE place where I will feel at home. The thing is, does all this moving and traveling and learning and exploring open doorways to my inner side that would otherwise not be revealed?
Or do I need to stay in one spot and explore what surfaces in such a situation??

Ok answers please!!

2010-08-23T02:58:00.000-07:00

So here I am…. after 9 months, 5 countries and too many plane rides to count, I am sitting here, in this little house over looking the Himalayas in Northern India, with a heart full of gratitude and a head full of stories.

My little one is sleeping, the monsoon rain is falling heavily outside as it does every afternoon now and finally, I can once again after what seems like an eternity
return to my blog.

Returning to this space to write after so very long is kind of the same as when I run into an old friend I haven’t seen for ages and I have just so much to share and hear that I just don’t know where to start. I end up either rambling on in what sounds like a jumbled mess, with arms and facial expressions flying around everywhere or at times when it is all just too much to share in a supermarket isle, I simply say “hey yeah, I am fine!” And then of course walk off feeling totally frustrated!

Anybody out there know what I mean?

That age old question of where to begin chants over and over in my mind and the answer I get is always the same… at the beginning… But do you know what, I am not so sure that that is how we women communicate best….

Don’t we kind of get together and ok we might start at one point but don’t we move in circles and waves and spirals rather than straight lines that go from beginning to end?

Don’t we dance to and fro, mixing this with that, relating one to the other?
Sounds like a style of communication that would be tremendously difficult to follow right? My hubby surely thinks so!!

But we do follow don’t we?

We not only follow, we relate to what the other is sharing and somehow even though we may be worlds apart on many levels, we get it… we feel it…we share it.

I am finding that there is something so very special about women getting together.. Yes of course I have felt this on many occasions with familiar friends but now, moving around the globe with my little one, I feel as though I am touching on something even more special.

I am meeting women from different places, with different cultures, stories backgrounds, lifestyles, likes and dislikes and yet we gravitate towards each other with the force of a power unknown.

Even as I endevour to support my very independent almost 2 year old as she navigates the holes in the road, the stinging nettles and the massive amounts of cow dung on the way to the local eating place, a silent knowing look and encouraging smile from the passing woman who is also playing a similar game as me with her toddler, seems to fill a space in me that at times can feel very empty.

I hope you out there can manage to navigate yourself through the above ramblings of my thoughts of words and I hope now that I am BACK, we can continue to share our "ramblings" on a more regular basis!!

For now though, I have come to that place at the supermarkert isle, when I need to go "Ok now it is all to much!" I am going to allow myself to silently stare out the window at the beauty of this place that surrounds me and just do nothing until my little Lotus flower wakes :)

Having babies after 40... yes or no?

2010-05-14T05:27:00.001-07:00

So, here I am 41 (42 this year) and still thinking of having another baby, am I crazy?

I can't quite work it out, I feel the same inside as I have always felt.
Of course I have learnt things and experienced things and changed my mind about this that or the other but on the whole, I feel the same as I did when I had my first baby almost 20 years ago!

The majority of time, I skip along through my days without realising how old I am... Okay so I don't feel physically feel like a 20 year old and I don't act like a 20 year old either ( I don't think) and ok, I can admit I definitely don't look like a 20 year old... I am simply me and have always been me and so when I am confronted with comments like "you are too old to be having babies" funnily enough, I am initially really suprised.

I remember when I was in my 20's thinking that people in their 40's were SOOOOO old but now I am here in the 40's, well things look a little different!

I would love to give my little 19 month old a sibling around her own age and at times I don't think about any of the negative stuff but then my mind starts throwing things at me like "shouldn't you be concerned about looking like a pregnant grandmother?" or "Aren't you worried about not fitting in when you go to playgroup with your little one?" or "how will you feel if your kids are ashamed of having an OLD mum?"

Just a few years ago when I got pregnant with my youngest daughter I didn't think twice, but now it feels like I am supposed to have all these concerns.

Have I crossed some invisible line and so now fall into the category where being spontaneous, carefree and going with what feels right is not allowed???

There are women all over the world having babies at my age and older.... aren't there???

Thoughts anyone???
And, if you are out there mums over 40 let me know!!!

Back again

2010-04-21T04:08:00.000-07:00

So where am I now??
Well I am sitting here in a not very nice place in a not very nice town in good old Mother England.

My little one is asleep... finally, my hubby is at work and I am left here in silence (if you don't count the noise from the busy road outside) to contemplate my thoughts...

Here is where they are at the moment...
I am in a little shock right now, just yesterday I was on top of the world. We had found our little piece of paradise or so we thought and were all set to move in on the weekend coming.

I was also pregnant again and happy to be so! And I tell you at 41 this is quite something!!!

Today, there are problems with the house and moving in AND when I went to pee this morning, there was that sight that all pregnant women (especially my age) dread to see.... The spot!

Well the spot has turned into a flow...
AND the real estate agent is not bending for us and so I have all but given up hope of getting out of this not very nice house in a not very nice town this weekend!

I have not however, given up hope that this "flow" stops and that I am still pregnant at the end of this day...
Will keep you posted on that one!

But how amazing, one minute all looks rosy and wonderful and it seems like all is going your way... You walk around with your head high and shoulders back and you feel like you are just glowing. Then suddenly almost from one minute to the next, you are grovelling on the floor, howling like a wolf at the full moon and wondering what you could have possibly done to deserve all this!

Impermanence!

Passionate Fury

2010-02-19T03:34:00.000-08:00

You may or may not have noticed that I have been missing in action for a while now.
I have been going through quite a process since arriving here in Berlin, spiraling through to the depths and winding my way, albeit slowly, back out....such is the undertow of the winter darkness!

Things are changing all the time... my weight, the sky, my moods, my desires and the issue.

The last few days it is the story of Demeter and her precious daughter Persephone that have been consuming my soul.

My own Persephone was taken from me by the devil himself sometime ago and I have wandered the planet in frustration ever since, trying to rid myself of the fury that has taken up residence within me.
Sometimes I plunge into darkness for days and drag the whole world with me, leaving no color or warmth or sunshine behind and other times I force my way to the surface, so I can once again bask in the summer sun and regain my energy and strength.

On sunday it will be Persephone's birthday and my womb already aches in such a deep way as it remembers her resting there in peace and safety. The tears flow readily and the fury within can only be known by the mother who has lost her child.

There is no-one to blame for the misery but myself, I turned my back on the devil... he tricked me and I fell for it, losing something so precious as a result.

The power I feel is immense, I feel the full weight of Demeter and her rage behind me...Making me larger than life.

It is frightening
It is thrilling

My lesson is to channel this rage, to let it work for me, not against me....
If only I had on hand a paint brush and the color red... the color of the womb, the color of blood, the color of passionate rage.

ABC's of Me

2010-01-29T04:24:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Mon over at Holistic Mama for the idea!

A - Age: 41 years and 7 months
B - Book: Wild child, Women Who Run With the Wolves
C - Chore (dislike): mopping floor
D - Drink: Tea and as much as I can get, chai-even better!
E - Eat: pasta, chocolate
F - Flower: Any!!
G - Gem: Moonstone
H - Height: 5'4" (164cm)
I - Instruments: I sing quite well, or so I am told!
J - Joy: spooning my little one
K - Kid(s): 3 gorgeous girls, 17 months, 18 years and almost 20 years (yikes)
L - Living: currently in Berlin (not sure how long for)
M - Music: Norah jones, India Aria (many female artists)
N - Noise: as much silence as I can get (yep, I am with you on this one)...but I love Buddhist chanting too.
O - Ornaments: Photos mainly and a few different sculptures I have collected on the way
P - Pet Peeve: When my hubby's snoring wakes up my little one just when I have managed to unplug her and roll onto my back!
Q - Quote: "An unexamined life is a life not worth living"
R - Right or left handed: Right although eat with left
S - Sibling(s): 5 Older sisters
T - Time you wake up: whenever the little one does, at the moment around 7.30am
U - Underwear: nothing fancy unfortunately
V - Vegetable:Kale
W - Word: equanimity
X - X-rays: none
Y - Yearning: A GARDEN FULL OF FLOWERS, VEGETABLES AND HERBS!!!!
Z - Zzzz: Yes I need some more of those!

An image of you

2010-01-27T03:54:00.000-08:00

As I sat to meditate last night, an image came into my mind.
It was the image of a perfect little face...
Framed by a mass of brown curls and wearing THAT smile.

It is the same smile that shines in every photo and in every memory I have of you.

You were wearing that very thin, soft pink dress that we both loved and your "horse riding" boots...(remember them?).

This is the image I often get when I think of you...

You were so very happy, confident and so full of love.

I miss that little girl...sometimes I cry so hard when I think of how far away she is from me now.

She is angry now...

Angry at me, angry at life or so it seems.

I wish I could turn back the clock and hold that little girl in her favorite pink dress one more time.

But all I can do is cherish those images and memories I have of you...

And wait....
I will wait for you.
I will wait until you are ready to open up to me again.
I will be here when the anger subsides and you come looking for me...

I will always be here...

I am your mum and thats what mums do.

Meditation and Me

2010-01-26T04:27:00.000-08:00

Well I am thrilled to say that I am finally back on track with my meditation practice after what seems like months.
Since my little one was born I have tended to use any small moments that I have to myself to either nap or just zone out in silence, with the urge to meditate all but gone.

I have always been one of those meditators that meditates regularly because I know out of experience that it is so good for me...
I was always a little envious of those meditators like my hubby, who actually love to meditate.

But the other day, when I was pondering on writing a post on meditation, I realised that I have changed...I am now, after 10 solid years of meditation, one of those meditators that loves meditating!

With this new found love, I have miraculously now managed to set up a nightly routine that actually creates a space for me to sit and meditate.

Where up until recently I would be desperate to crawl into bed and be oh so grateful when I finally got there, I am now just as eager to hit the cushion and am just as grateful to be able to close my eyes and clean my mind.

Already I can feel the difference...

This mind of mine which had become dull and tired has sprung back to life, pouring juice into each and every activity I undertake.
...Infusing all my dealings with my little one and my hubby with patience and love,
...Boosting my confidence in dealing with the world I am currently living in,
and restoring the awareness of my mind so that I can live in each moment with the understanding that "all things change".

This knowledge of "change" is so very important as it reminds me that nothing lasts forever....that crying, that nipple twisting, that biting, that mess, that noise, those sleepless nights, that snoring (his), that craving, that desire and yes, even that free space to meditate..... .

Don't get me wrong, I am no saint and probably won't be one during this life time, but I appreciate the tools I have in my life...the ones that get my through each day and meditation is one of them that I have been missing for a while.
But now I have it back and funnily enough (or not) it re-inspires the use of all my other wonderful tools like Macrobiotic cooking, yoga and daily walks.

I feel so very fortunate that I have found "tools" that encourage me to strive towards my fullest potential...
I would love to hear what tools you are using and what happens when you stop using them!

First time in the snow!

2010-01-24T08:36:00.000-08:00

Not quite sure about this snow stuff!

Okay it's not too bad I suppose

How to maintain a marriage when you have a toddler

2010-01-23T05:03:00.000-08:00

I go to bed early...he comes to bed late
so we all sleep in the same bed....(our little one is in the middle)
HE sleeps, while the little one and I go in and out of dreamland.

He wakes early to meditate...I sleep on while I can.

We all eat breakfast together....
He talks to me, our little one talks to me (in her way) always at exactly the same time.
She is louder!

He starts his day, the little one and I do what we do.
We all eat lunch together...
He talks to me, she talks to me.
I forget what he said just seconds after he has said it...

He goes back to his day
the little one and I do what we do.

We all eat dinner together...
he talks to me, she talks to me.
I barely hear him, I barely see him...

He cleans up, I run the bath.
The three of us have a bath together...
We talk... she plays, relaxes, nurses, sings.
I hear him, he hears me.
I see him.
He smiles, I smile.

I love him, he loves me....we love her!

Thankful anyway Thursdays

2010-01-21T05:44:00.001-08:00

My little one is wanting "boobie" so much at the moment...

Yesterday I was where I normally am, on the couch with my boob hanging out with my little one straddled over me, mouth on one boob and her little hand holding the other.

I must have looked so over it as my hubby looked at me with real concern and said "do you feel like a cow?"
Yes I did!

If she is not sucking on my boobs, then she has her hand down my top holding on to one of them.
It is not enough to drink out of just one boob...now she has to have both boobs out so she can push them together and joyfully go from one to the other!

If I am not quick enough to pull them out when she requests it, she starts yelling BOOBIE...BOOBIE...BOOBIE
(no matter where we are!)

At night while she sleeps (she sleeps with us) she likes to hold them or even better still, suck them.
I can't move more than a few centimeters away without her stirring and sleepily asking for "BOOBIE"

I am so boobied out that by the time my little one finally goes to sleep in the dark hours, and I get a moment or 2 to myself, if my hubby so much as looks at my "BOOBIES" I run a mile!!!

But then, my little one wakes with a smile....She kisses them, strokes them...she loves them!

So yes, I am Thankfull Anyways that I am able to give my little one such nourishment, such warmth, such joy and such security.
And I am totally thankful and in awe of my 41 year old body that does what it does so well.

Thanks Holistic Mama

That kind of day!

2010-01-17T05:11:00.000-08:00

I am having one of those days...

The kind of day that you don't usually talk about with others.
It is this kind of day where you tend not to answer the phone, respond to that email or write that post on your blog.

It is the kind of day when you can't avoid going to the local supermarket because you are in desperate need of something and so you make a mad dash still wearing your stained and discolored tracksuit pants...running straight to the product you are after and racing to the check out before some one you know spots you....

And of course someone you know does!

It is the kind of day where your gorgeous child seems to be crying more than usual, louder and for seemingly no reason!

It is the kind of day where you lose your temper with that gorgeous child, yell...walk away and burst into tears.

It is the kind of day when you feel like packing your bags.

It is the kind of day when you just can't get enough tea...

When you need your partner to be there and when of course he isn't!

And it is the kind of day that goes from bad to worse, with the miserable feelings associated with such a day only leaving when you finally fall asleep in the dark hours of the night.

It is the kind of day that you really need a friend to talk to but like I said, it is the kind of day we don't usually share!

SOME HOURS LATER

I did manage to drag myself outside...ergo strapped on and all!!
I walked in the snow...magical!
Watched all the children playing on their sleds...laughing, screaming, loving life.
The little one slept...silence.
I breathed deep for the first time today.

The down side of being "The Foreigner"

2010-01-15T01:03:00.001-08:00

So here I am in snow covered Berlin...
Yes, I can create myself any kind of identity I choose here, as I am the anonymous one.
True, everything is new and exciting to the eyes, ears and nose.
But there is a down side...there always is right?

The first major issue is...I don't speak the language!
This is huge as it means that I can't even read the ingredients or instructions on anything.
If I look for a yoga studio, I can't even read what they are offering.
Taking a train is a nightmare when you have no clue where you are going or no clue how to ask someone for help.
This used to be fun when I was young and carefree, but now whilst I carrying my little one in the ergo and freezing to death fun seems like a long way away.

These are big issues ....But this all adds to an even bigger issue....
POWER!!

Not being able to read or write or speak even, I am like a very small child.
The only difference being that a child (mine in particular) has massive power wrapped up in all her cuteness!

The balance of power within my relationship has tipped dramatically in favor of my hubby, after all he is German.
He now not only enjoys to be in control, he actually needs to be in control on a practical level and this I am discovering, is a deadly combination.

I have wracked my brain, trying to think of how I can even up the scales even just a little, but so far I am only coming up with blanks.

Don't get me wrong, I am trying and will continue to do so and of course I will eventually learn some German (won't I??).

But will these new dynamics between us be too entrenched to change by then??

Scary thought!

I am indeed needing to grab some gumption,
To jump in with both boots on and go for it!!

Okay, so maybe I need a push!

What has happened to my fingernails?

2010-01-11T03:21:00.000-08:00

So it is 9pm and finally I have managed to get my little one to sleep. It has been a long day and I am tempted to join that warm little body in my bed and sleep whilst I can.
But then I think to myself that I should really make an effort to do some of the things that I want to do and never can do during the day, like spend time with my hubby or check my emails or write a post for my blog.
I decide to do this post and I get comfy with my laptop in the warm kitchen (it is snowing outside)….
Even though the dishwasher is doing its thing, I still feel this sense of silence…of space and even though my eyes feel like lead, I am glad I chose to stay up even if only for a short while.
As I am sitting here, I notice the condition of my fingernails and my hands….
My finger nails are broken off at varying lengths and are in desperate need of filing and my hands are dry and are looking their age…I won’t disgust you with the details of my toe nails but lets just say they need some attention.
I know I have the odd stray hair on my chin and the hair on my head (what is left of it) is hanging in despair where once it bounced in all its glory.
The hairs on my legs…hmm, well put it this way, my hubby calls me “his little football player”, need I say more???
I haven’t exercised properly in weeks and there is more chocolate in the fridge than there should be so as a result my waistline has gone on vacation!
Quite a pretty picture I am painting here hey?
Is this the reality of what happens when you have a toddler, travel and turn 41?
Or am I just not getting my act together like I should be?
Oh well, at least I have brushed my teeth tonight and managed to write this post.

"Home" in Berlin at last!

2010-01-09T04:58:00.000-08:00

So after 5 weeks of being off line, I am finally in my new (temporary) home in Berlin and back in business with my laptop and a super fast internet connection!

I am yet to find more than 5 mins alone to write a proper post but as soon as I find the time, I will fill you in on the joys and woes that have made up the last 5 weeks.

I can't wait!

Heartache in Bali

2009-12-15T21:32:00.000-08:00

Oh the joys of the modern “patchwork” family!!
Yes I am a member of a group of people who have come together via marriage and who call themselves a family.
In our group, we have his kids, my kids and our child and over the last ten years, we have all, at some time or another, struggled with this mis-matching of characters and personalities.
Now here we are in Bali with three kids over 18 and our little one who is just 15 months and it is such a challenge!
My girls have never really accepted my hubby and this has caused me such heartache over the years. I have always tried to do the balancing act between them, like a referee in a boxing match, which is just so very tiring, not to mention stressful.
Now that they are older I was hoping that this holiday in Bali would pull us together as a family and allow for old wounds and misunderstandings to be healed.
But, now that we only have a few days left, I can see that this is probably never going to happen and the only thing that this holiday has achieved is tearing open those old wounds and to create new ones.
There have been times during this trip where I have been so very close to taking off in the middle of the night with my little one and escaping to a place where no-one would ever find me…
A place where I wouldn’t have to chose one person over the other…
A place where I could be who I am without being accused of leaving this one out or not loving that one enough or loving the other too much.
How many tears have I shed over the years?
I can tell you that I have cried more than one river…
I am tired of it all.
I am tired of my girls trying to make me feel guilty for the choices I have made and for marrying the man I love.
I am tired of my hubby feeling so very uncomfortable all the time that he ends up walking around like a time bomb waiting to go off.
I am tired of the explosions.
I am tired of the glares that are aimed at me from across the room, the cutting words, the threats and the accusations.
I am tired of walking on egg shells, of holding my breath, of crying when no-one is looking.
Now my girls are going back to their father, back to their life, back to university, to their friends and their ways and I am off to Germany with my hubby and our little one.
I will cry more rivers when I say goodbye….
I will probably cry oceans from now until the day I die because I am a member of a modern “patchwork” family and because the man I love so much is never going to be accepted by the daughters I adore.

Restricting the little one

2009-12-15T21:30:00.000-08:00

Whilst Bali is stunningly beautiful, with its mountains, rice paddies, palm trees and majestic views, it is proving to be very tough for my little one of 15 months.
In our other life where we had a huge home, she was free to roam as she saw fit from room to room, from person to person… all the while being safe and at ease and without restriction… like a real continuum child, she was happy, placid and relaxed in her environment and within her self.
Here in Bali where the pathways are cracked and uneven (upon which she fell and smacked her head so hard that she immediately had an egg on her head the size of a small melon and the colour of deep purple) and that have huge uncovered man-holes, where there are motor bikes and cars whizzing around seemingly without road rules and with unfenced swimming pools (something so foreign to Australians) in every place we stay….
For the first time in her life, my little one is finding her-self very restricted and worse than that, it is her mama that is doing the restricting.
She is so very independent and so very insistent to walk on her own, which is wonderful when we are somewhere that is safe but here it is proving to be somewhat of a nightmare!
She is having to hold our hands which she generally loves but only when it is her choice.
She is having to be carried at times when she just doesn’t want to be.
She is being steered away from danger and I mean REAL danger a lot of the time and as a result, she is just not happy!
She is screaming and throwing tantrums like never before and she is biting my nipples during feeding with such ferocity and intent that I am actually frightened to feed her.
It was only this morning that I put two and two together and realised that the she is biting me because she is angry with me for restricting her movements so much.
She is frustrated so deeply and so am I.
It is so easy to follow the continuum way when your child is in a known, safe and familiar environment.
I can see all too clearly what happens to the child that is restricted….so much frustration and despair.
I only have a few days left here so I am not too worried about Bali but I am on my way to a new life in Berlin…a major city.
How will I allow the freedom there?
Where will my little one find the spaces and gaps she needs for exploration of her inner self?

Being in Bali

2009-12-15T01:22:00.000-08:00

Just a little note to let my followers know that I have not dropped off the face of the planet, I am merely sunning myself in Bali with very limited internet access.
I will soon be in my new home in Germany and will delight you ( I hope) with my adventure stories.
I am missing my blogging and my blogging sisters so much!
I have so many posts going around in my head....
Wishing you all a safe and fabulously happy festive season.

which Goddess shall I be today?

2009-11-26T18:32:00.000-08:00

So in under a week I leave my home turf once again, to embark on a new chapter in my life.
We are going from rural Queensland to mid city Berlin...talk about going from one extreme to the other!!!

There are so many things I am really looking forward to like....
experiencing a cold christmas, hopefully with some snow
Going for walks in a snake free forest
Wearing gloves, scarves and beanies
Watching mother nature as she moves from season to season (we only have two seasons here, wet and dry!)
Living in a place that has more than 3000 people
Having everything I need and more, right at my finger tips

But the thing I am looking forward to most, is being the foreigner.

I think this is what I really love about traveling....

I like the fact that everything is new to me and that I am new to everything and everyone.

I can create and re-create myself to be whoever and whatever I choose.
It is a bit like going to a fancy dress party and choosing a costume and a mask to wear.

I think we all wear different masks according to who we are with and what we are doing...I am not saying we pretend to be something we are not...it is more that we express different aspects of what we are in different situations.

I am many things rolled into one, maybe it is because my sun is in Gemini, maybe it is because I am a woman who loves to roam and I have collected and added many different things into my being...what ever the reason I am many different women rolled into one.

Sometimes I am Hestia, bringing beauty and safety into my home for myself and my family.
Sometimes I am Athena, cramming in 45 minutes of academic study whilst my little one sleeps.
Sometimes I am Aphrodite....need I say more????
Sometimes I am Artemis, fiercly protective of women and womanhood.
And sometimes Demeter, with protecting arms around my daughters.

Unfortunately it seems that I have yet to find the environment or space in which I feel I can allow all the different aspects of my self to emerge. What seems to happen is that when I am in a certain place for some time, habits tend to form...friendships are made and expectations are built. In other words, people get to know me as being reserved for example, and they tend to expect me to always be that way, so my extroverted whacky side gets pushed down underneath and temporarily fades away.

So I move through my days playing out this or that role....
Slowly over time, irritation starts to build and initially I am not sure why.
The Freddy Mercury song "I want to break free" starts playing over and over in my head...
I start feeling trapped, bound up, suppressed almost.
I start looking through travel books, old photos of journeys past...
Eventually I arm myself with Artemis' bow and head for the wilderness.

People may say that I am running from this or that but I don't see it that way.
I like to explore my planet and each time I go on a journey I discover another side of myself...another missing piece to the puzzle of who I am.

Living in Berlin will force me to dig deep and retrieve many of the old pieces of me that have been stored away for many years and it will also force me to add new pieces to my ever growing collection.
I will have to wear different clothes (otherwise I will freeze to death)
I will have to do different things with my little one (from 2 acres to 90 square meters... hmmm)
I will have to speak a different language, eat different food, hear different sounds.....

I can be who ever I choose to be....
Hestia
Aphrodite
Demeter
Athena

I am hoping that being in a huge city, rather than a small country town will provide me with the space which will allow the continuous metamorphosis...the continual becoming of my self.
This is my desire, this is my pledge to my self.

I will keep you posted!

Random thoughts

2009-11-17T22:29:00.000-08:00

Here I am sitting on my couch...My little one is having a very late arvo nap (4pm) and my thoughts have turned towards all the yesterdays that have passed.
Do you remember those days when we seemed to be soooo much younger, more free and more alive???
Was it that way or am I just creating a past of fun and passion that didn't actually exist?
I don't know... I was just strolling along the street with my little one and started feeling really nostalgic...or maybe I just realised how terribly stuck and controlled I feel.
I just don't feel like I have any fun anymore....I almost feel dead inside, moving through each day just managing the basics, isn't that sad??

My little one is my brightness, my light and joy....she makes me smile and giggle and she keeps my heart open, but she reminds me that there are gaps and spaces in my life.
She reminds me that I am not bringing creativity into my day to day living.
She reminds me that I am not pushing myself in any direction... that I don't even work up a sweat when we go for a walk.

I am feeling like I want to hear my feet pound down on the road and feel the wind rush into my face as I run as far and fast as I can everyday.
I am feeling like I want to splash red and purple and orange on my walls and draw rainbows and the curves of women's bodies.
I want to dance until I am totally out of breath.
Laugh until my belly aches.
Eat delicious food around the table for hours.
Walk under the full moon light.
Watch the sun set.
Cry over a good movie.
Make beautiful toys using luscious coloured wool and other sensuous fabrics.
Plant herbs and other edibles for me and my family to enjoy.
Tune into nature.
Meditate...pray....chant....sing.

How do I get to do these things???
Where do I begin???
Why have I stopped living life???
What am I afraid of??

On the move again

2009-11-15T19:45:00.000-08:00

So the count down begins...I now have officially two weeks to pack my life into boxes and to say my good byes.

Yes, we are on the move again. This is not such a huge thing as we both like to roam this planet and are now pretty good at the whole moving thing, but this is the first time we will be doing it with the little one so I am experiencing a whole bunch of new feelings and sensations this time round..... I just can't name them because I have moved into my NUMB zone!!

This is the space I fall into when it all gets too much!
I switch off, feel nothing and don't do much....With such a short time left until we leave and with still so much to do, I am there, I am NUMB.

There is a lot happening in my world right now and there are choices to be made but when I am in this numb space, decision making is pretty difficult to say the least.

The biggest choice we have to make is where we are going to live...
City??
Country??
UK??
Germany??
Asia??

Too many choices maybe???
Normally my hubby and I are both pretty in tune and when things present themselves to us, we generally go with what feels right but this time, we are both not feeling much!
We have our tickets out of OZ and we are holidaying for the first few weeks, but then.....

Maybe we are supposed to experience this floating space...this stillness.
Maybe we are supposed to develop more trust.
Maybe we are supposed to stop trying to control, to figure out and to know.

Whatever the lesson is, the boxes are still sitting empty in the spare room...
The clothes still need to be sorted, winter clothes need to be bought, cleaning needs to be done...

Two weeks to go!!!!

I will keep you posted :)

Thankful anyway Thursdays

2009-11-12T02:15:00.000-08:00

So it is Thursday again....

My little one is suffering so badly with her teeth.
She is cutting her back molars and having a very tough time of it.
She has gone from being a very placid and chilled out bub, to a very irritable, almost angry, whiny and sleepless child!

I get no more than an hour or so sleep at a time during the night.

She is constantly on the boob, and when I try and roll my aching body over she goes mad until I roll back and offer the boob again.

When I finally feel like she is settled, and I can roll onto my back and drift into sleep, my hubby starts snoring (every time) and keeps me awake.

BUT I am thankful anyway because this is a very real opportunity to develop my compassion and patience.

I am thankful anyway because I am seemingly strong enough to cope with very little sleep.

I am thankful anyway because during those long dark hours when I am awake, I can appreciate the stillness and the silence of the night, which I just love.

And I am thankful that my hubby is home for a change, even though he snores!

Fighting the beast within

2009-11-08T22:32:00.000-08:00

I remember as a child, sitting on the couch inside the house on a beautiful sunny day....I remember being so happy, drawing with so many colours and feeling totally content in my little dream world. Then my mum comes in takes away my precious drawings and demands that I go outside to play...."a sunny day is not to be wasted doing silly drawings" she said!

Somehow this little scene pops into my mind whenever I make a move to do something "creative".

I always seem to have other more important things to do and funnily enough I have surrounded myself with loved one's that also do not value the "crafty" side of life (or is that just my warped perception??).

There is a really deep hole in my being and I know that it is the perfect space for my creative light to shine and fill but to be totally honest, I just do not know where to begin.

I have spent so many years convincing myself that I am totally incapable of doing anything creative with my hands, that to now convince myself otherwise is very challenging.... daunting actually.
I have created this super strong inner critic, this anti-creativity monster and I am not sure if I have the energy to defeat this beast within.

I look at other blogs which are filled with fabulously beautiful creations and I experience envy, sadness and hopelessness....
I do keep these blogs close at hand with the idea of using the helpful hints offered, but even as I am pressing the "add link" button, I can hear the hideous laugh of the beast within and smell his disgusting breath as he whispers....."you will never manage anything like that".

So, I know I need to slay this beast.... obviously no white knight is going to ride along on his stallion and do it for me.
The question is how?????

Any suggestions?

Having a good belly laugh

2009-11-07T17:38:00.000-08:00

I am guessing that some if not all of you have read or at least heard of Clarrisa Pinkola Estes' book titled "women who run with the wolves"....The piece in there where she is talking about that really hearty, deep belly laugh that women do when they are together, has stayed in my mind ever since I read it many years ago.

Do you know that kind of laugh???

The one that bubbles to the surface when you and a friend or friends are just really relaxed, when you have let go of many of the masks we use in our day to day lives and when you are feeling very comfortable and safe with who you are with?

Can you remember the deep and glorious sounds that come with the belly laugh? The ones that come from way down in the belly? The ones where you often find yourself holding onto your belly, as if you are laughing right along with it?

Do you know the feeling of tears streaming down the face....the face aching like it is about to fall off and most of all this really pleasant sensation running through your veins right along with every drop of your blood?

Do you love the feeling of connectedness, of a knowing...a sameness, a feeling of pure joy...a truly delicious and satisfying experience every time?

The belly laugh....I need it in my life every now and then....do you?

Success :)

2009-11-04T17:28:00.000-08:00

At the moment, my life is almost entirely centered around my little one who is 14 months old and I am not complaining one bit!
Amazingly enough though, I am also doing a PhD (doctorate) in philosophy which I have been stop-starting for over a year now, due to pregnancy, birth, miscarriage, life...etc.
Part of the PhD process now involves this crossing of milestones, basically this means that at three points during your research, you basically have to prove that what your doing is worthy of the university's support and that you are bringing something new into the academic world.
Anyway, out of the blue a few weeks ago my supervisor rings me up to suggest that I do my confirmation (first milestone) before I go "roaming" again and also out of the blue, I agree!

So here I am, hubby working away, older daughter studying for her exams at uni, me running around like a headless chook just managing the basics (food, house, sleep-sometimes) and now I have foolishly committed to present a document to a panel of philosophers in under three weeks....yeah right!

The day looms closer, the writing gets done-just.

Hubby comes home...routine goes out the window, time escapes, D Day arrives!

So I take the long drive down to the city...it is stinking hot and I am nervous and unprepared.
I leave my family on the grass and head on up....feeling like a child about to see the principle...I need the loo badly!

Ok, I am sitting there (on the loo) and I start to do some Anapana (breathing meditation)...slowly I start to relax.
I move myself out side the room and sit myself down in the big old fashioned arm chairs that I guess are meant to make you fell at home??!!!!

Shaking...sweating....needing the loo again and feeling like vomiting....

Everything I have worked for could all be thrown away in the next 30 mins if I don't get this right......

Suddenly, I had this huge realisation....
Hang on, I am 41 years old.
I have given birth to three children, traveled the world and experienced so many things....what am I worried about???
So what if they don't like my work,
So what if I don't continue on with this....
when push comes to shove, what does it all matter any way????

By this stage, I saunter into the room totally at ease.

It was then, that I realised that my paper, which talks about things like "patriarchy" and "female subordination" , was about to be presented to a room full of MEN!!
I couldn't believe it, the only two women in the room besides myself were my supervisors.
For about thirty seconds I felt like running out of the room as fast as my little legs could carry me, but then I thought
Yes, this is my point exactly....where are the women????
This gave me such rush of determination that I read my paper, I answered all their philosophical questions and I walked out of there with my head held high and a big fat CONGRATULATIONS from all of them to boot!!!

Not bad...Not bad at all!!!

What happened in October

2009-11-04T17:12:00.000-08:00

A Thought
I can do this....my PhD confirmation.

A Sound
The first rain of the wet season....Ahhh so soothing!

A Taste
His lips after a long time apart

An Image
Myself in bathers for the first time in over a year!!!

Another Thought
Yes, I am getting older

A Scent
The smell of the first rain on the forest that is my garden

A word
Home....where is it for me?

A Touch
Little fingers stroking my new straight hair!

A Gift for Me
Taking a long shower.....ALONE!

Thankful anyway Thursdays

2009-10-28T20:41:00.000-07:00

Since the loss of my last baby a few weeks ago, my once curly long hair has become this limp, bent out of shape mess that is falling out faster than I can blink! (Hence the transformation in my profile shot)
When I wash what is left... I am sure there is more left on the floor than on my head.

I don't know what it is about hair... I know that it is such an external thing and I know it is soooo superficial to worry about what my hair looks like BUT I do!

For years I have meditated for long hours in silence... coming to deep understandings about attachments and the suffering related to them.
I have been able to "let go" of this, that and the other in my life so as to reduce my attachments and the suffering that goes with them.
And yet, when I see my hair clogging up the drain and when I look in the mirror and see and what I see.....I cry!

No amount of contemplation or rationalisation can help.....
I am losing my hair and it sucks!

But I am THANKFUL ANYWAYS because my daughter is a hairdresser and a life saver and she quickly cut my hair into a bob (so it looks thicker than what it is).

I am THANKFUL ANYWAYS that someone invented straightening irons so that my "bent" hair now can look decent.

I am THANKFUL ANYWAYS because I know it will grow back again eventually

and I am THANKFUL ANYWAYS for vegan chocolate cake because it takes the pain away even if it is only for a few delicious moments :)

Being a "cool" parent

2009-10-27T02:07:00.000-07:00

Well it seems that after years of being on the outside I might just be finally able to consider myself as one of the "cool" gang.
By "cool", I mean being a mum who parents in a conscious way.

I started with a very peaceful and serene water birth at home.
I breast-feed on demand.
I sleep with my baby.
I carry her in an ergo.
I do baby-led-weaning.
Ect...Ect...Ect.

But I have a confession to make....this "cool" mum still slips up at times.
By 'slips up' I mean I say or do things that are no longer considered "good" parenting and apparently are a guarantee that my child will end up in therapy by the time she is 30.

I will give you an example;
My little pixie might be playing with building blocks and after what must seem like a life time for her, she finally manages to actually stack one on top of the other. When this happens she must feel so good with herself because her whole face lights up and she looks at me with such joy, that before I know what I have said (so in other words in an unconscious act) the words "well done darling" have flooded out of my mouth and are washing her in PRAISE.

My little pixie certainly doesn't mind but I instantly feel this twinge of "OOPS" and then I might re-phrase and say something like "good building darling". This is when I am on my own I might add...Just imagine the strength of the sensations rushing through my veins when I am in the company of other mums, particularly those that are more established in "proper parenting".

What is this all about?
Where is the line between being a conscious parent and a naturally loving parent?
What causes more harm to our children...parents that feel guilty for not getting it perfect, or being praised by parents who love you...and I don't mean all the time either.
Is this just something else that we can feel guilty about? That we can worry about?

This certainly needs more thought and attention....so lets consider this part 1.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this :)

Three in Bed

2009-10-23T17:12:00.000-07:00

Sleep...Or should I say lack of it, has inspired the coming together of this post...
19 years ago just before my first daughter was born, some wonderful, insightful, albeit random stranger, thrust a copy of a little book in my hand and declared that it was a must for every parent to read.
I remember waddling home as fast as my then odd shaped body would allow, plonking my self on the couch and reading it from cover to cover in a matter of hours.
This little book was called "Three in Bed" by Deborah Jackson and it totally changed my life!

The next day, my carefully constructed baby nursery was pulled apart with such force that from the outside I must have appeared like a woman possessed! The cot was gone, never to be seen again, along with all the other standard baby gear...
I had made my decision....the baby was to sleep with me.

19 years later...baby number three has arrived (now 14 months) and there is still three in my bed.

We have a king size bed, which theoretically should provide enough room for the three of us....well I did say theoretically!!
For some bizarre reason unknown to human kind, my daughter prefers to sleep across the bed rather than down the bed. This usually means that my hubby and I are clinging to the sides of the bed, whilst my little one blissfully sleeps on with her head wedged up as close to (her) boobie as she can get it and with her feet stuck firmly up her papa's nose!

It is rather like a comedy act at times and we often find ourselves in fits of laughter in the middle of the night.
There are as well moments of despair, when tiredness or should I say exhaustion kicks in...Irritability raises its ugly head and all I want to do is bury mine (my head that is), under my pillow and sleep for a month!

But then, its morning...(just)...and she wakes, she cuddles up to me so close, with so much warmth and love...she opens her eyes and looks at me...lifts herself up and kisses me good-morning.
She smiles her heart melting smile and any trace of irritability fades away.

Those morning moments...aahh I love them!

Thankful anyway Thursdays

2009-10-21T21:58:00.000-07:00

My hubby has been working away for a while now and I have only seen him on a few occasions in the last few months.
We are a very close couple...
going everywhere together,
enjoying each other's company,
meditating side by side,
laughing at the same jokes,
enjoying the same movies, music and moments....

When he is not with me it feels as though a part of me is missing
I feel empty somehow
I can fill the gaps and spaces of my day and night with all sorts of shapes, colors and sounds
But there is still that empty feeling

Life is soooo tough for me when he is not here

There is MORE physical space when he is not here
but there is less space in my mind somehow

The days are longer without him...So are the nights
Moments to myself are harder to come by (although my eldest daughter is wonderful at giving me time)
It feels like I am forever cooking
It feels like I am on auto pilot
Meditation moments are less and less

I miss him

BUT I am thankful anyway because, I know he is coming back and SOON.
I am thankful to have found him in the first place all those years ago
I am thankful that I have the strength and skill to do what I do
I am thankful that I have patience
I am thankful for Sophie being here
I am thankful that I have found the world of blogging and all my blogging sisters

meditating mamas

2009-10-17T01:37:00.000-07:00

For ten years before my last pixie was born, I was meditating two hours a day; one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening. I joined many silent retreats, some for 10 days, some for 20 days and some for 30 days. I spent many weeks doing volunteer cooking and serving on retreats, even when pregnant I spent many hours in meditation centres...sitting, serving and loving it.

Since my little one was born, my meditation practice has had to change.

I never get time to go to the meditation centre we live close to these days and I very rarely get to sit for an hour, especially since my hubby has been working away for the last few months. Initially I was feeling guilty for not meditating until I decided to start working with the gaps and spaces in between the business of my day.

I started to meditate laying down next to my little one as she slept in the afternoon or evening and I started sending metta (loving kindness) during some of her daily feeds.I started feeling balanced and content once again, happy to have found a way to maintain my spiritual practice whilst living the life of a continuum mama. This was amazing for me to achieve but more amazing was the gift given to me by my little one and that was the gift of being in the moment...a truly spiritual quality.

My pixie demands that I am in the moment with her and if I slip into planning something for later or dwelling on something in the past whilst we are drawing or playing something, she quickly and skillfully drags me back into the present....what a gift!

I have spoke to many women about how they work to maintain their spiritual practice when they become mamas and many of them agree that it is a challenge for women to maintain their spiritual life when they become mothers but that it is not impossible...

If you have any thoughts of this I would love to hear them

Teaching our kids about community

2009-10-16T17:42:00.000-07:00

So as I am laying in bed last night, feeding my little pixie yet again, my mind starts to re-think this idea of creating communities on-line. I realised that I go onto my laptop to meet with my community when my little one is asleep. I dip in and out of various blogs that I have come to love, I smile, I sigh, I furrow my brow, I lean back and sip a tea, I write a little and often I send metta (compassionate love). So yes, I am communing with some of you out there in a very similar way to how I would do it in my own lounge room....BUT my little one does not witness this exchange...she does not see mama engaging with you. And what if when she is older (and allows me to go on line) she does see me engaging with you in this way....what message am I sending her about friendships and connections and computer screens???
I am somewhat of a recluse, yeah sure I see others from time to time but not so often and not on a deep level. My little one might see me once a week engage with someone other than my older daughter or my hubby but is that enough to teach her about community?
I believe it is so important to learn the art of engaging with others in a compassionate and aware way. To be there for others as a shoulder to cry on or as a friend to have a good belly laugh with. To share meals, ideas and most of all stories.

We are living in a very small town where there is a real shortage of mamas and their cubs.
We are leaving here soon...within a couple of months.
We are heading for Berlin.
I am going to be surrounded by people
By community?

I hope so!

frustration!

2009-10-15T03:42:00.000-07:00

I feel so frustrated...tonight I have spent a good couple of hours working on this blog and trying to connect up with a couple of other blogs that I love and still, after all this time and effort....nothing!
I feel so useless at times when it comes to anything technological, so old and outdated!
There are so many other things I could have been doing tonight...like working on my PhD for example!
Just shows me how desperate I am to connect and how important this community of like minded mums and bloggers are to me.

I am a recluse who needs people, needs women, needs a community...why is it so difficult to find, create and be?

Thankful anyway Thursdays

2009-10-15T01:58:00.000-07:00

I have been away from home for the past week and that in itself has had its challenges.
Coming home, I bought with me the flu and my beautiful bub is coughing too for the first time.
The heat here in beautiful Queensland is over the top whilst I have this fever.
The wet season ants are here even though the water isn't.
The fridge is empty...so is the purse
The energy level is soooo low
And my hubby is still working away

But I am thankful anyway as I sit on the floor and watch my eldest daughter of 19 playing so beautifully with my 13 month old.

I am thankful anyway as I lay on the bed and nurse my bub to sleep

AND I am VERY thankful as I pour myself a hot cup of tea, open a bar of Lindt chilli chocolate and sit on the couch

Thankyou universe for the small luxuries in life.

traveling with continuum kids

2009-10-13T19:11:00.000-07:00

Travelling with continuum kids
I am a woman who loves to roam the planet … smelling the different smells, tasting the different tastes and feeling all that is new and different to feel. I am also a mama who wants her children to experience freedom and who also wants them to develop self-confidence, kindness and generosity. So how does the traveller continue to travel when she is also a mama like me?
Yesterday I took a flight with my little sweetheart; leaving home at 9am and arriving at my destination 12 hours later. This 12 hours included long and restricting car rides, extended periods of time stuck in small and very unexciting airports and hours on small planes with mostly men (great for breast feeding!) and a very, very tired child.
Watching my 13 month old daughter as she navigated all the physical restrictions put upon her, (like limited spaces and seat belts) I developed an even deeper respect for her… her ability to be totally in the moment and to find freedom even in the most confined spaces just astounded me.
As for me, the woman who loves to roam… well she just wanted to go home!
This mama read the continuum concept for the first time over 19 years ago and with each child thereafter I have consciously parented with the continuum concept as my guide and friend. It has been and continues to be a beautiful and practical way for me to parent but yesterday as I watched my little sweetheart wriggling her way out of her seatbelt with a very loud voice and finding amusement by crawling into the tiny space under my seat and grabbing the gentleman’s feet behind me (much to his disgust and I must admit mine), I started to question just how the parenting methods from the depths of the Amazon can ever really be adapted to a life of roaming when the majority of people you come across when travelling by plane are not happy with a loud albeit happy child who likes to roam the isle, say hello as she passes and share the meal that you have been waiting for since you first found yourself in this squashed and super unnatural environment.
So many questions and a lot of confusion came to mind as I struggled with the obvious judgement I felt coming from the other passengers due to my apparently “whacky” parenting and the animosity that I faced in that very confined public space as I continued to allow my little one to deal with the restrictions and confinement she found herself in, in the most comfortable way she could.
Ok so I admit a lot of the issues are my own especially when it comes to being judged by others (I wonder where I got those issues from!) and I am happy to say I am working on that…but how to protect the little ones from developing those very issues themselves when sooner or later that glare or ugly stare from the ‘other’ turns away from me and turns toward my little one…How do we raise our kids along the lines of the continuum concept in a society where kids are still meant to be seen and not heard and where freedom and self confidence are not appreciated?

sharing in cyber space

2009-10-03T17:52:00.000-07:00

So I enter the world of blogging and I soon realize it is the same as moving into a new city or town. I feel slightly awkward and uncomfortable as I start my search for those women who I will share my stories with and who hopefully will share theirs with me. It takes me right back to those awful days in school when I was forced to eat lunch alone whilst the "cool" girls in their tight skirts with splits up the back sneer at me across the courtyard.
I wonder to myself if what I write will be good enough, interesting enough for the "cool" bloggers out there and when I notice there are next to no comments on my posts I start to convince myself that I am still that young outcast, who sits alone, an outcast, a nobody!
Then, after spending some moments in that weird and somewhat confronting time warp I remember that I am 41 not 14 and I convince myself that I no longer need to be one of the "cool" gang! But still, I am wanting to connect and share...
I read other blogs and feel so inspired; I can see how this world of blogging can really provide the community I have been searching for...
I see it as a beginning for me and the possibilities just blow me away!

How was September?

2009-10-03T16:47:00.000-07:00

September for me was quite a month...I lost a baby and cried a river. I developed the strength of a mountain and remembered I could write. I found the academic in me and I opened my heart to life.
I found the world of blogging...I found women to share stories with.

Thanks to Holistic mama for this!

A thought
I remembered why I married him

A sound
my angel laughing as she dances and sings along

A taste
that first cuppa in the morning at 6am

An image
My angle sleeping

A scent
the smell of blood...as I lose my baby

A word
happy birthday to my one year old and my 19 year old

A touch
meeting him again after three weeks apart

A gift for me
moments of meditation

Mothers who leave - part one

2009-10-01T16:01:00.000-07:00

I met a beautiful woman recently. She crossed my path for only a few brief moments but in those moments I realised I had met a kindred spirit. …

We all have things that we do, consciously or not that may cause pain to another or to ourselves … things that mark us. Sometimes we are marked deeply like a line carved in rock with a nail and a hammer, a mark that may take years to change and at other times the mark we make is lighter like a line drawn in the sand; there one moment, gone the next.

Those lighter marks may make us feel uncomfortable for a few moments or even a few hours, but they disappear soon enough and they are quickly and quietly forgotten. However, those lines carved in rock do something to us on a deeper level. They lay in waiting like sleeping volcanoes in the depths of the mind, ready to erupt at any given moment. Sometimes they are carved so deep that even on our death bed as we are taking our final breath, those deep carvings rush to the surface like burning lava and we die drowning in guilt, sadness and pain.

In our daily lives, if left unattended, slowly but surely those deep marks gradually take little pieces of our “self” away. Robbing us of our freedom, our laughter and our creativity. The process is like a disease creeping through our life force slowly killing off fragments of our deepest self as it goes.

I for one know that I have these very deep marks … many of us do, but over the years I have been working hard to ensure that I do not consciously add to these marks, making them deeper. This is a challenge when the pain in your heart is so intense that you think it will burst and when every time you open your eyes to a new day guilt floods into your depths along with every drop of sunlight.

There are few things I think that really make a woman feel like this day in and day out; I would say when a woman loses her child she would feel this way, or when a woman cannot protect her child from harm she would feel this way and believe it or not the woman who turns away and leaves her child behind no matter how valid the reason, well she also feels this way ... how do I know?

Because I am her and that beautiful woman I met recently, well she is “her” too and for a few brief moments when our paths crossed and we quickly and quietly shared our story I was reminded that I am not alone, that I am not a “bad” mother and that I have a story to tell.

I will tell it … I just need more time.

The beginning of my journey

2009-09-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

Some time ago I found myself sitting in a classroom as a mature aged student with a whole bunch of other women ready for a new beginning. It was a women's studies unit for my degree in anthropology and it was nothing like I had ever imagined!

We were a motley crew from here there and everywhere...we were all so different; from different places with different histories and with so many different stories to tell. It was in this small classroom with these women that were unknown to me, that I developed my passion for difference and my love for women's stories.

During those precious 13 weeks I began to understand the need for creating a safe space...a space where we could be the narrators of our stories and where we were listened to with honesty and without judgement. Over the years I have remembered stories and the women they belong to, I have collected them like the precious gems they are and stored them away in the safest of places. As women of the globe our stories are so very precious and so extremely worth sharing...

Yes we are all different and I treasure that but there is a sameness in us too; we all come from mothers, many of us are mothers ourselves...we all bleed, we all cry and we all laugh that deep belly laugh when we are with other women and when we can remove our masks and return to ourselves.

My journey is about continually returning "home", it is not always an easy one but it is those bumps in the road and the women (and sometimes men) I meet on the way and things we share and those we don't that make my return worthwhile and my story so unique.